Advice for dealing with a bad review…

THIS BOOK SUX. I WIPED MY DOG’S BUTT WITH THE LAST TWENTY PAGES. I BLEW MY NOSE WITH THE FIRST TWENTY. I LINED MY PARAKEET’S CAGE WITH ALL OF THE PAGES IN BETWEEN. AND I STILL WANT MY MONEY BACK!  – ONE STAR ISN’T LOW ENOUGH OF A RATING FOR THIS BOOK. CAN YOU BISECT A STAR ABOUT SIXTY-EIGHT-THOUSAND TIMES AND CALL IT A RATING? 

Did a bad review ruin your day?

Here’s ten tips for dealing with a bad review.

1. Just look at the sales figures. Or not.

2. Run giggling to the bank. Or not.

3. Write another book. Preferably a novel involving chainsaws, shotguns and high explosive. Maybe tie that reviewer to a fictional bridge and run a make-believe railroad train full of chainsaws, shotguns and high explosives over their shrieking body. Maybe even throw in a couple of rabid dogs. EVERYBODY loves rabid dogs, don’t they?

4. Pet your cat. Listen to her purr. Soak up the adoration. Better yet, feed your cat. NOW we’re talking purring…

5. Run around the block six or eight times. Physical fitness is great for burning off bad feelings. Maybe if you’re lucky you’ll trample that blind orphan who plays her ukelele at the street corner and gets her pet rhesus monkey to hold out a paper coffee cup in hopes of tips.

6. Go and watch your favourite movie. (Yes, I spell “favourite” with an “ou” – no matter what my spell-check tells me – I’m Canadian, I’m cultured, hell – I even drink my beer with one pinkie finger daintily extended…)

7. Take a long shower. Sing. Nobody has to listen.

8. Get drunk.

9. Diddle about on Facebook asking all of your friends to tell you what a wonderful writer you are.

10. Go and write another book.

Am I repeating myself on that last entry? No – dammit – you should have stopped reading at suggestion #3 and been halfway past Chapter 17 by now…

 

yours in storytelling,

Steve Vernon

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18 responses to “Advice for dealing with a bad review…

  1. #3 may or may not be the way I deal with my less pleasant acquaintances. Good times!

  2. YAY, well said O’Cultured One. I don’t mind bad reviews that are constructive, in some ways they help. But the plain nasty, ones written by someone probably both illegitimate and illiterate and full of terms warning readers they cud do beter themsleves tend to prove that maybe the big words near the pictures were just too much for them. These people get their rocks off ( hey look at me, I’m with the modern terminology) from the power they think they hold “Boy, did I tell some sh*t author he sucked last night” probably doesn’t even impress their friends who’ve never seen them with anything other than a comic book.
    Take Steve’s great scenario or make sure you add this person as a character to your new book, one who dies first in a disgustingly painful way. Just don’t take them seriously since they’re not worth the worry.

  3. So many excellent tips Steve, but don’t forget to get dressed after the shower, and before running around the block six or eight times.Because draughtiness can assist recall of bad reviews. Whatever happens, keep singing.

  4. Steve, you are a man of wonder! :) You have a way with words that is … um … shockingly inspirational.

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  7. Just knowing that you drink your beer with one pinkie finger daintily extended makes me respect you all the more, not only for your writing but because you’re Canadian and cultured.What a combination!

  8. Pingback: Replying to a Negative Book Review? | YOURS IN STORYTELLING...

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