THIS BOOK SUX. I WIPED MY DOG’S BUTT WITH THE LAST TWENTY PAGES. I BLEW MY NOSE WITH THE FIRST TWENTY. I LINED MY PARAKEET’S CAGE WITH ALL OF THE PAGES IN BETWEEN. AND I STILL WANT MY MONEY BACK! – ONE STAR ISN’T LOW ENOUGH OF A RATING FOR THIS BOOK. CAN YOU BISECT A STAR ABOUT SIXTY-EIGHT-THOUSAND TIMES AND CALL IT A RATING?
Did a bad review ruin your day?
Here’s ten tips for dealing with a bad review.
1. Just look at the sales figures. Or not.
2. Run giggling to the bank. Or not.
3. Write another book. Preferably a novel involving chainsaws, shotguns and high explosive. Maybe tie that reviewer to a fictional bridge and run a make-believe railroad train full of chainsaws, shotguns and high explosives over their shrieking body. Maybe even throw in a couple of rabid dogs. EVERYBODY loves rabid dogs, don’t they?
4. Pet your cat. Listen to her purr. Soak up the adoration. Better yet, feed your cat. NOW we’re talking purring…
5. Run around the block six or eight times. Physical fitness is great for burning off bad feelings. Maybe if you’re lucky you’ll trample that blind orphan who plays her ukelele at the street corner and gets her pet rhesus monkey to hold out a paper coffee cup in hopes of tips.
6. Go and watch your favourite movie. (Yes, I spell “favourite” with an “ou” – no matter what my spell-check tells me – I’m Canadian, I’m cultured, hell – I even drink my beer with one pinkie finger daintily extended…)
7. Take a long shower. Sing. Nobody has to listen.
8. Get drunk.
9. Diddle about on Facebook asking all of your friends to tell you what a wonderful writer you are.
10. Go and write another book.
Am I repeating myself on that last entry? No – dammit – you should have stopped reading at suggestion #3 and been halfway past Chapter 17 by now…
yours in storytelling,
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