Self Publishing for Canadians

Source: Self Publishing for Canadians

Tatterdemon by Steve Vernon

All right, so this is a three year old review and interview, but it still bears reading.

:)

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Tatterdemon begins in 1861 as Preacher Fell is locked in mortal combat with a powerful witch Thessaly which leaves both of them dragged down in to the cold earth but not before Thessaly has laid a …

Source: Tatterdemon by Steve Vernon

The Legend of Tarzan: A Re-review!

Tarzan Movie Poster

“I’m more than just abs!”

All right – so I have ALREADY reviewed this movie in an earlier blog.

However, just the other day I was sitting and stewing over a problem in my head and I was trying to distract myself with some internet fluff and I found this OTHER Tarzan review and I decided to have a little fun and I wrote this review/rant/reply in the comment section.

(understand this, I did NOT disagree with the writer of the review. I thought they shot the movie down nicely – but I had so much fun writing this re-review that I thought that I ought to share it with you folks!)

So here goes, word for word, my comment from the review pages of SMART BITCHES, TRASHY BOOKS!

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Old fart talking here.

I went to see the movie thanks to a pair of freebie tickets that I picked up at the local book shop.

I grew up reading Edgar Rice Burroughs. I thought that he had completely deballed Tarzan. First off, he doesn’t kill ANY freaking animals. In the books you couldn’t go two chapters without Tarzan throwing a full nelson on a bull gorilla and snapping his neck or killing a full grown lion with a hunting knife and a rope.

The movie stepped around all of that with him going Dr. Doolittle on the animals.

Secondly, he used to ride on Tantor the elephant.

In the movie he sees an elephant family while he is supposed to be running madly after a train to catch his kidnapped wife – and he stops and it’s all “Tantor, my brother, how you doing, let me skritch the baby elephant’s trunk”.

Come on. Wouldn’t you think that Tarzan might have thought to ask the elephant for a ride.

I know why they stepped around all of that. Killing animals is politically incorrect these days – so is riding on elephants. Hell, ask Barnum and Bailey about that. You can’t even see a whale jump anymore.

Now – before everybody figures that I am some great white hunter myself, forget about that. You throw me into the woods with a pocket knife and a rifle and say “There boy, survive.” and I’m going to be all “Holy shit, where’s the nearest Macdonalds drive in?” I couldn’t hit a rabbit or a deer or a water buffalo with a rifle if I tiptoed up and tried to club him death.

But I have read the books and what I saw was a politically-correct Tarzan.

Samuel Jackson was pretty good even though he was trying way too hard not to swear too much. Jane absolutely stunk up the joint. She was pretty and she made big talk about being a strong autonomous woman but basically all she did was play helpless-female-captive through most of the movie.

Let me see if I can answer some of the reviewer’s questions – and by the way, I thought this was a kickass review.

1 – The treehouse didn’t exist in the books. It was an abandoned cabin that Tarzan’s actual parents holed up in until the great ape tribe that eventually raised Tarzan decided to kill his parents rather than try and find a Justice of the Peace to write up adoption papers. The treehouse was in the movie, simply because it looked wicked cool. Johnny Weissmuller had a treehouse in his movies as well. Face it, tree houses freaking rock.

2. Washboard abs? Hell, they looked wicked cool. They did on the Frazetta covers that used to adorn Burroughs paperback novels. In the original books Tarzan was always described as “clean limbed”. I don’t know how that comes down to “washboard abs” either, but I have to admit, I liked the look of Tarzan. I want to see a dude who looks a little wiry, like he’s spent a whole lot of time swinging on vines and such.

3. We’ve already discussed him snapping the neck of a gorilla. Hell, anyone knows, Tarzan has crazy mad wrestling abilities. 🙂

4. The lack of a beard. In the books, Tarzan shaved with a hunting knife that he found in his parent’s cabin. I guess the local barber shop was too far of a distance to swing to – or maybe Tarzan just didn’t swing that way.

All right, you can hit me for that last joke.

Which brings me to my last beef.

Where the hell was Tarzan’s knife? I know I can’t expect it to be EXACTLY like the old-time books. Times change, attitudes change – but hell, if I was swinging through the jungle on a vine having to survive in the wilderness I would CERTAINLY carry a knife of some sort.

I mean, we’ve already established that I can’t shoot for shit.

Anyway – to sum up – I saw the movie for free and I still want my money back.

yours in storytelling,

Steve Vernon

Day 8 of #ComedyBookWeek highlights

This is it – the LAST day of COMEDY BOOK WEEK!

Read all about it right here!

#ComedyBookWeek

That’s right, Day 8! Because “eight days a week”…we love comedy!

This is it, you guys! Your last chance to stuff your Kindle with the bargains from Participating Books list – some of them will go right back to their regular prices when the clock strikes twelve.

This has been a whirlwind – and it will continue tomorrow with 2016 #ComedyBookWeek Blogger Awards. All of our bloggers deserve awards for being such active, creative, intelligent, and attractive people. Alas, only three will get one of these totally awesome badges:

Blogger award GOLD Blogger award SILVER Blogger award BRONZE

If you think there should be more awards, come back in a few days for the report on how the event performed, with your suggestions on how to make it even better. This event was made for lovers of the funny, and we look to you, readers, for input.

What’s not to love in a funny book? The next…

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Day 7 of #ComedyBookWeek highlights

Here’s what’s going on in Day 7 of COMEDY BOOK WEEK!

#ComedyBookWeek

Wow, what a crazy week, and there’s still more to come! I finally had to close the event to new authors, after the Participating Books list reached 117 and it all became too much. But fear not – click on the “For Authors” or “For Bloggers” tab above to sign up for the appropriate mailing list. You won’t want to miss the announcement on when the intake will open for the January 2017 event.

Crazy can be good, though. My own grandma was a psychiatric nurse, and she often talked about how pointless it was to “cure” the happy mental patients and wake them up to the grim reality of their lives. One of her patients, a badly abused, lonely woman, “had a baby” every single morning and could not wait to show off the “new arrival” to the nurses. Who would have the heart to convince her otherwise?

Luckily, you don’t…

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My Review of Kelpie Dreams by Steve Vernon

All right – nothing I like better than to see a brand new review of my Kindle Scout winning novel, KELPIE DREAMS.

Darlene Foster's Blog

humor_book

I am taking part in #ComedyBookWeek and featuring Steve Vernon’s book Kelpie Dreams

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The blurb
Meet Lady Macbeth—a high school librarian, ex-assassin, and part-time kelpie, whose mother wanted to name her Hemorrhoid at birth. Now she has to take on a Sea Hag—eight legs of Godzilla-ugly poured into a bucket full of meanness—with the help of a one-woman army named Rhonda, a 200-year-old Sea Captain, and a hunky lighthouse keeper who won’t admit that he’s dead as well. KELPIE DREAMS is a funny, action-packed, paranormal romance novel for folks who HATE to read romance novels.

My review

This is a laugh-out-loud, hilarious, wickedly funny book, written with that unique east coast Canadian sense of humour. Steve Vernon has created characters so off-the-wall they are believable. Like how could you not love a Star Trek loving librarian, a tough hit woman, an eight-legged sea hag, a weird little chain-smoking fisherman and…

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How To Give Away Free Books on BookFunnel

The cool thing about being an indie author is that there is so danged much stuff to learn. Everyday somebody is coming up with some new program, some new mechanism that you REALLY want to know about.

Let’s talk about BookFunnel.

This is a company that helps you set up a link from which you can give away review copies and free copies or even sell your own copies – in nearly ANY format that your reader is asking you for.

That’s valuable.

That’s something I need to learn a bit more about.

However, right now I am ALL about the writing. I need to get a few more books out there. I need to follow up on the single sales and build at least two three-book series over the next year or so. I have been farting around WAY too long. I also need to get another book out here locally, which is what I am concentrating on right now.

So this is just a reminder to myself – because I truly DO want to look into this – but this is not that day.

Nerd

So for you folks who intrigued about BookFunnel – the system that I am talking about – why don’t you take a look here?

yours in storytelling,

Steve Vernon