Why Will Smith’s BRIGHT sucked out loud!

So, what DID I watch over the holidays?
Well, I mostly watched Netflix. We got hooked up with Netflix last year – and even though it is the bastardized Canadian edition of Netflix, we have taken to it joyfully. In fact, we haven’t watched cable television at all this year, with the exception of Margaret Atwood’s HANDMAID’S TALE, which my wife watched.

This is a sword day, a red day…

Not me. I have sworn a sacred oath against all things Margaret Atwood related.
All right, I did try and watch the first episode of THE HANDMAID’S TALE, but the 1990 movie did it a whole lot better, in my opinion.
We really enjoyed THE CROWN, almost as much as we enjoyed DOWNTON ABBEY, with the exception of the last season of Downton Abbey, which to me, came off a little bit more like DOWNTOWN EXPRESS. I mean, they were lining up and dealing with storylines that were three or four years old, dispensing with them with the ease of a gambler slipping that last ace out of his sleeve. I mean it was like – get him married, kill those two off, ship that one off to the colonies, the clock is ticking – I mean, type faster Fellowes, type faster!
So, what else have I watched over the holidays so far?
Well, I watched KING KONG: SKULL ISLAND, and it really rocked. I was so nervous about buying a DVD of it – especially after watching that debacle that they called GODZILLA – but they definitely got it right!
I also tried to watch Will Smith in BRIGHT. I know that a lot of people dug this movie, but I’m afraid that it sucked for me. It sucked big time. I can’t believe that they spent NINETY FREAKING MILLION DOLLARS and the best orc make-up they could come up with looked like somebody’s bad idea of a Braveheart costume for Halloween.

This is an orc


This is some dude with his face smeared with blue chalk.


And THIS is Braveheart…also, blue chalk (wode) but way cooler!

I’m sorry. I know a lot of folks have enjoyed the movie, but I found it tiresome. Will Smith, who usually brings pizzazz, was phoning his acting in. The dialogue felt like it was all adlib, and the movie was nothing more than every tired creaking cop-movie inspired scene the director could think of. It was Alien Nation, without any back story and/or trace of class. All they could do was to keep on harping on about how the orcs were supposed to represent racial-profiling and that was supposed to be all wicked cool. I get it, dude.

Don’t hit me over the head with it.

Tell me a story why don’t you?

I kept hoping that the Dark Lord was going show up with a copy of the script under his arm.

I lasted forty whole minutes before I gave up.

I hate passing verdict before I have seen the whole movie, but it stunk big time. You see a turd on the ground, you don’t have to sniff and taste it to know that it is a big stinking turd.

Ninety freaking million – and all they could come up with was blue chalk, and this.


This isn’t an elf, either. This is Topo Gigo in a suit and tie.

Lastly, I watched the whole entire first season of Bruce Campbell’s ASH VERSUS THE EVIL DEAD!

Which rocked.


Yup, Ash freaking rocks!

Yours in storytelling,

Steve Vernon

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