Spam and Beans…

Okay – so I promised someone over on Facebook book a Spam recipe – and rather than trying to cram it all into one of their dinky little comment blocks I decided that I would write it out here in full and then link to them over there.

This is nothing more than a derivative of my world-famous He-Man Beans recipe which dukes, emperors and the occasional Earl have written and asked me about.

It starts out with a fry pan.

There are very few problems in life that cannot be solved with a frypan. Heck, if all of the world leaders sat down around a woodstove with a frypan full of my he-man beans – you bet you not a single one of them fellows would be able to spell W – A – R.

Chop up a fat old onion.

You ought to sing while you are chopping but not so loudly that you will accidentally cut a finger off – but if you do happen to inadvertently lop your pinkie don’t worry – that’s just a little more protein for the fry pan.

I like to chop a green pepper and some celery and a green apple while I am at it. A red apple or a red pepper will do just fine as well – although red apples are generally considered food for wusses.

Dump all of this chop-up into a big bowl. You should ALWAYS have your chopping done ahead of time – or else risk the generation of a little more protein for that fry pan.

If you see any fruit flies just shoot them – but aim straight. Bullet holes in the cooking cupboards is a total social faux-pas.

Go to the can cupboard and find yourself a tin of Spam and a tin of beans. Maybe even two tins of beans – if you are feeding more than yourself.

If you don’t have a tin of beans OR a tin of Spam in your can cupboard you probably ought to find that fruit fly pistol and shoot yourself with it two or three times.

There are limits, man.

Open all the tins.

Chunk up the Spam into a separate bowl – or a plate if you have shot all of the fruit flies.

Put the fry pan on the burner.

Turn the sucker up HOT.

Then, when the fry pan is hot drizzle a little olive oil on the fry pan to make it sizzle.

Throw in the onions. It is a fact of life that onions ALWAYS ought to be fried first. They smell sweet and can actually attract wayward women if the wind is blowing in the proper direction.

Then lump in the Spam and start stirring around with a big fat old wooden spoon.

You don’t have a spoon?

Start thinking about that gun again.

Then add whatever else you have chopped up and stir it like you have caught a religious fever.

Sing to your fry pan while you are stirring. You need to have a good frying song. I favor Volare sung in the key of Dean Martin.

It’ll bring them wayward women just flocking to you.

When everything is nicely sizzling in the pan open a beer – unless it’s breakfast time at which you will have to make do with good strong coffe – unless it’s Sunday and the Lord isn’t looking.

If you haven’t got beer or coffee I will again refer you to that gun.

Dump the beans into the fry pan and turn the heat down a little and try for a heroic he-man pose if anyone is looking – and even if they aren’t looking those wayward women might show up at any moment time so it wouldn’t hurt you to throw in a pose just the same.

Finally, slather a little butter onto some fresh bread and heap those Spam and beans onto a big metal plate. Find a fork – or a spoon – and dig in.

Yodel, if you must.

If I had time I’d tell you how to make bannock – which goes awfully good with he-man beans – but I’ll save that for another day.

And – speaking of spam…

If you haven’t picked up a copy of TATTERDEMON yet it is available over at Amazon for a mere 99 cents. This book is an especially apt accompaniment to this blog because in the first chapter you get to watch as the protagonist makes amazing use of her fry pan.

Tatterdemon Omnibus


AND – if you’re a Kobo reader you can pick up the very same book with a slightly different title.

Tatterdemon Omnibus

If you want a sneak peek on the Kobo volume the first segment REVENANT – is totally FREE!!!



yours in storytelling,

Steve Vernon

2 responses to “Spam and Beans…

  1. Erm, how d’you like your protein Steve? The cat didn’t appreciate the competition in the singing department and is quite handy with his tail, a knife and the chopping board.


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