Attention. Attention. I would like to post the longest piece of creative spam to ever appear upon the Internet today.
(someone call up the Guinness Foundation and ask them to send me a cold one…)
So – what will I spam?
Well, I’ve got some beans in the refrigerator. Spam does go AWFULLY good with beans. But I don’t have a tin of Spam – and I don’t feel like stomping out through the blizzard to buy myself a tin of Spam at the grocery – and besides, I’m pretty certain that Robin isn’t REALLY talking about that high-caloric greasy-sweet salted-to-perfection pack-the-clotted-fat-around-your-arteries-and-wait-to-die goodness that men call SPAM.
Naw, she’s talking about the phrase that we Facebook Group followers have come to fear and loathe…BUY MY BOOK!
But hey – it’s Spam-it-up Friday – and I REALLY want to tell you about this book I wrote.
I really do. I’m going to burst if I don’t tell it to you.
Don’t make me burst on you!
The book is called TATTERDEMON.
All right – so it isn’t FREE.
It isn’t even CHEAP.
But it is nearly 400 pages cram-pack-loaded with pure scarecrow entertainment.
It is a wild exciting no-holds-barred hayride through a field of indescribable horror.
So let me try and describe it to you!
Imagine you’ve just killed your husband. Your loud-mouth bullying abusive husband. What, you’re a guy? Work with me. Imagine you’re a woman and you’ve just killed your husband – on account of the man was really just too mean and stupid to let live for moment longer.
Only problem is, you’ve gone and buried him in a field that is cursed by a witch who was unjustly murdered and buried in that very same field – THREE HUNDRED YEARS AGO!
Now – anyone who has ever read a horror novel or seen a horror movie KNOWS damn well that if you go and execute and bury somebody unjustly – well, sooner or later they’re going to come back at you. We’re talking rise up from the dead – and before you get to squawking something along the lines of “OH MY DEAR-DYING-GOD not another spud-stomping zombie novel! Somebody kill me and raise me back up and kill me again before I read another word!” – think again.
This isn’t your granddaddy’s zombie novel.
This isn’t a zombie novel AT ALL!
So what if that husband – we’ll call him Vic, on account of that’s what his name is – rises up from the dead? Along with the spirit of your father – the same one that your mother killed for reasons of her own – rises up in spirit-form along with Vic? What if that witch comes back and what if everything that was EVER killed or buried or just-plain-died in that field starts coming back?
Then you throw into that mix a couple of spree-killing convicts, a voodoo-practicing sheriff’s deputy, a peeping-tom postal worker, an anorexic ex-circus fat woman, a sheriff who has got a secret hidden in his downstairs freezer, a broken-hearted ex-marine trucker who is terrified of his ex-wife and Earl Toad – the world’s shortest action hero and things REALLY begin to heat up.
Well – things are just naturally bound to get exciting – now aren’t they?
Now – be honest with yourself – if you find yourself the least bit intrigued by this description – or even the least bit amused by this cathartic rant of pure undiluted liquid Spam – (now there’s a concept!) – or even the least bit sorry for my poor rusted out backbone that is going be tested by another bout of snow-shoveling later today or possibly even tonight – why don’t you give in to the spirits of Spam Almighty and go and buy yourself a copy of this here e-book.
It’s available on Kindle.
You can also hunt it up on Kobo.
The damn book has been sunk beneath the radar and I could REALLY use a burst of sales right about now to kickstart this puppy into going viral – SO SHARE THIS POSTING AND GO AND BUY YOURSELF A COPY OF TATTERDEMON today!
It is also available on Kobo for all of you wonderful Kobo wielders!
So – how do you like your Spam???
yours in storytelling,