Scheduling Secrets – Or How Not To Pose Like a Wannabe Bruce Lee…

This morning, I rolled out of bed and fell into a blog post.

It happens that way sometimes. As I’ll go on to explain – I like to check my e-mail and the first e-mail I opened lead to me to a blog posting over at THE WRITER’S GUIDE TO E-PUBLISHING.

This particular post dealt with a writer’s schedule.

While I was crafting a reply-comment to that blog post it got to me thinking that I ought to use this reply-comment as the basis for my next blog entry.

That’s right. Writing that innocent little reply-comment awoke my innate writerly thieving instincts and I decided that I was going to steal that reply-comment that I was writing – which is a little like stealing from yourself, I suppose – and use it as a blog post on my own blog.

Or, to put it another way -

“Immature artists imitate. Mature artists steal.” – Lionel Trilling.

To which I might add:

“Long-past-their-stale-date artists steal from themselves.” – Steve Vernon

*******

MY STOLEN REPLY-COMMENT, REPHRASED AND REWRITTEN INTO A WONDERFULLY ENTERTAINING BLOG POST – COMPLETE WITH ILLUSTRATIONS!”

Because I am one of those poor goomers who must still put up with a day job – and because my day job hours are rarely predictable – (I really think they use a dart board to write up our monthly work schedules) – I find it hard to set anything that even resembles a work schedule.

In fact, when I Google “work schedule”, Wikipedia says “That ain’t you.”

However, I’m fortunate enough to be an early riser. I had three paper routes when I was a kid and I had to be up at about five am to get breakfast into me – (I’m big on eating) – and get those papers sorted and delivered before going to school. As a result I am programmed to wake up before the crows have even started scratching themselves.

First off, I’ve got to make my way to the bathroom, where I sit for a while – (it’s safer than trying to aim in the dark) – and pet our black cat Kismet, who usually wants to know why the hell I haven’t fed her yet. I don’t know what her problem is – I fed her all yesterday – but she’s just funny that way.

I just looked up “patient and reasonable” on the Google and it told me “That ain’t cats”.

And here’s a picture of Kismet, sniffing the hell out of the inside spine of one of my books.

Then I sit down at the computer. I like to futz around on the internet for an hour or so before I begin dawdling which sometimes leads to a bout of full-out procrastination. I mean, why wait to put off what needs putting off to? I’m ambitious and I like to plunge boldly into my pre-writing procrastination.

I was going to look up “organized” on Google but I couldn’t find the to-do list that I’d wrote that down on to remind myself with.

You see, I like to start with checking my e-mail – which is what lead me to this blog entry here on THE WRITER’S TO E-PUBLISHING – before I begin. I’m pretty certain that one of these mornings I’m going to find myself something important in all that spam.

If possible, I like to warm up with something that requires some fast and creative free-range writing – such as this comment – (which I have already decided that I am going to steal on myself after I get commenting and use it in my own blog) – and to rattle some sort of a blog reply or a blog entry or to answer somebody’s question on the two or three message board forums I like to poke it.

(and I know that last sentence has most likely peeved the heck out of my Strunk and White’s Elements of Style – but me and Strunk/White haven’t been talking in years)

You see – I find that writing a blog entry or a thread reply like this – before I begin my actual work on whatever manuscript I am working on – is a really great warm-up. It’s a little like stretching yourself before a session at the gym – or shadow-boxing in the locker room before you walk into the arena and step into a boxing ring.

It isn’t anything like prancing around ten feet away from the fellow you’re supposed to be fighting – striking imaginary Bruce Lee poses and making kee-yii sounds like that blue jay outside my window is making. Striking poses like that in a fight doesn’t impress anybody – not even your Mom – and you’re most likely going to give yourself a charley-horse while trying to snap-kick a fist full of mid-air nothing.

Usually sometime around a half an hour into that hour long warm-up I’ll make my way downstairs and butter up a couple of slices of toast. I used to peanut butter and honey them but my wife says that has something to do with my belt shrinking on me so I just smear a little butter and then scoop out a bowl of cottage cheese. I pepper the cottage cheese – even though I’d much rather dump a couple of dollops of maple syrup onto the cottage cheese – but again, apparently that has something to do with my belt shrinking.

I’ll Twitter a bit and run through my e-mail and get all of my ducks lined up.

Then, I sip my coffee and get to work.

So, I guess that I have established three undeniable facts with this comment.

Number one – I like to take a poke at the social media side of things before I get to work on what really needs doing.

Number two – I really need an internal editor when commenting on other people’s blog entries.

Number three – If I worked for myself all day I’d most likely fire myself, sooner or later.

Yours in storytelling,

Steve Vernon

PS: Here’s a link to that blog where this whole thing started. Folks who are interested in learning more about the craft from successful e-book writers really ought to be following this blog – THE WRITER’S GUIDE TO E-PUBLISHING.

http://thewritersguidetoepublishing.com/how-do-you-do-it

NOW AVAILABLE ON KOBO!

There is magic in the number three.

The three stooges. The three wise men. The three little pigs. The three weird sisters.

And now – MIDNIGHT HAT TRICK – a collection of three wonderfully chilling novels from Nova Scotia storyteller Steve Vernon.

HAMMURABI ROAD is a dark tale of retribution, backwoods justice and getting closer to a black bear than you ever dreamed possible. The story starts with the eternal triangle – three men in a pick-up truck – two in front and one duct-taped in back.NOT JUST ANY OLD GHOST STORY is a story about coming home. It is a story that will take you to the root of storytelling. A young man – the son of an honest-to-god Nova Scotia storyteller hitchhikes home only to find that his father has fallen in love with a dream.SUDDEN DEATH OVERTIME is a fast and fun read that asks the question – what would a bunch of over-the-hill old-time hockey players from Northern Labrador deal with a tour bus full of vampires? If you are having a hard time dealing with that concept – just throw the movie SLAPSHOT into a blender with the movie 30 DAYS OF NIGHT and hit frappe.

This isn’t high literature, you understand. This is a cold beer, a hot cheeseburger and a warm summer day.

“Steve Vernon gets it right. SUDDEN DEATH OVERTIME hits all the right notes with me. A wonderful cast of characters, great dialogue and an evil bus full of vicious vampires.” – FAMOUS MONSTERS OF FILMLAND

“This genre needs new blood and Steve Vernon is quite a transfusion.” – Edward Lee, author of GOON and THE BIGHEAD

“Steve Vernon is the real deal.” – Richard Chizmar, CEMETERY DANCE MAGAZINE

 

What other famous “threes” can you remember???

Yours in storytelling,

Steve Vernon

A Brand New Review for DEVIL TREE!

Please check out the brand new review of my horror/historical novel DEVIL TREE over at Amazon.com.

 

http://www.amazon.com/review/R59O033RBB6ZY/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_cm_cr_notf_APPROVED_fbt

 

Yours in storytelling,

Steve Vernon

STARTING YOUR STORY – FROM A TO Z

Starting Your Story

Okay.

Let’s step into a time machine for a minute. Back to high school dances when I was a kid. They usually happened in the gymnasium. All of the boys would line up on one wall. All of the girls would line up across the gymnasium on the other wall. And then, while the music played on, we mostly just leaned there, squinting across the distance and trying to work up the courage to cross that vast span of gym floor and ask someone to dance.

Sometimes, getting started is the hardest thing of all.

So – today – I have prepared for your use twenty-six story-starting paragraphs.

Read through them and write yourself a short little story. It doesn’t have to be an epic. It doesn’t have to be particularly brilliant. This isn’t rocket science. We’re just sitting here together on opposite sides of the internet, telling each other stories.

Consider it a challenge.

Consider it an exercise.

Consider it an invitation to a dance.

 

Albert had it all figured out. She was coming by train. He wanted to surprise her. He was at the station two hours before the train arrived. He had a chocolate bar an hour before arrival time. As she was getting off the train he was hiding in the men’s washroom, waiting for her to leave.

 

Betty bought the pistol at a pawn shop from a dapper little man who was a foot too short and about thirty pounds too heavy to be considered anywhere close to desirable. He placed the pistol in a shoebox, tied with a frayed yellow string. She drove home, unwrapped the box and loaded the pistol. She turned on the television and sat there, watching a Dr. Phil rerun, waiting for her husband to come home.

 

Cyril hated his job more than any human being ought to.  He hated the sight of his desk. He hated the smell of the wallpaper. He hated the rasping wheedling sound of his boss’s voice. One morning everything changed.

 

Delores loved Cyril – but Cyril had been married to Betty for over twelve years. As far as Delores concerned that was a twelve year mistake that she was about to rectify.

 

Ernest had sold tickets at the train station for sixteen years. Every morning before work his wife would pack him a lunch – cold ham with a slice of processed cheese and a generous squeeze of yellow mustard. A cup of lukewarm tea that he sipped from all day long.  Then one morning Ernest bought a train ticket for himself for the very first time in his life. He boarded the train, handed the ticket to the conductor and sat down at a window seat to watch.

 

Felicia collected butterflies. She loved the magnificent patterns of their wing structure. She kept them mounted in picture frames in her living room where she would sit and rock upon rocking chair and stare for hours at the kaleidoscope of perfect wonder. One morning Felicia decided that she had waited and studied for long enough. It was time to make her very own set of wings.

 

Gary watched the woman upon the roof with that beautiful set of multi-colored silken wings. Any other person in the world would have felt some sort of a brief burst of excitement but Gary was tired of living. He wasn’t suicidal, just intensely lethargic. It had been coming on for some time. He took one last look at the winged woman, then returned to his room and crawled under the bed and lay there in the darkness. “I’ve been waiting for,” a voice whispered far too closely to his ear.

 

Hilda turned the television set off and wondered when Ernest would come home. He was nearly two hours late. He might have been shopping – but he hated to shop. He might have been bowling – but he hated sports of any kind. She picked up the telephone and dialed the train station. When she heard that Ernest had left on the morning train she hung up carefully and considered her next move.

 

Isaac was having a good day. He had sold that pistol as well as the three rolls of silk that the old Chinamen had left with him.  He ought to close early but you should not turn your back on luck. His father had taught him that. When the fat black man with the guitar case walked into pawn shop and said “I’d like to pawn my soul, please.” Harry simply replied “How much were you hoping to get?”

 

Jennifer had never heard such music before. The old black man’s guitar must have strung with lark song and essence of whippoorwill. She threw three shiny quarters into the belly of the guitar case and was surprised when the old man snatched the three quarters up and told her – “I can double this ten times over if you’d like to make a little medicine with me.”

 

Keith picked up the bible and started to pray. He’d done the same thing every morning and every night of his life but God had never listened – until now.

 

Laurie walked into the church with two cans of gasoline and one box of matches. Maybe now God would finally listen.

 

Max smoked his last cigarette just outside of the old church. He was staring directly at the graveyard when the first explosion roared out.  He woke up beside a gravestone, staring at himself.

 

Nancy opened one eye. Then the other. She breathed in. She breathed out. Damn it, she said – I’m still alive.

 

Orson started walking. He wasn’t sure where he was going but he had a hunch he’d know when he got there.

 

Phyllis listened to the waves rolling onto the beach. They had been telling her a story all of her life – a story that only she understood and knew the meaning to. This morning she woke up to discover that the waves had grown silent.

 

Quincy had worn cotton in his ears for as long as he could remember. He had a theory that ninety-eight percent of the words that were ever spoken weren’t particularly worth listening too. Three days following his fifty-eight birthday Quincy finally found a reason to unplug his ears and listen.

 

Rita was ready. Something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue – namely herself. She sat there alone in her room sprinkling uncooked rice and dead daffodils upon the floor playing the wedding march on her dead Uncle Billy’s eight-track player.

 

Steve sat at his keyboard – wondering how in the world he was ever going to come up with a story-starting paragraph for T,U,V,W, X,Y and Z. His coffee was getting cold. His patience was wearing thin. If only someone would help him finish this all-important blog entry. He looked up in surprise to see a small blue songbird sitting upon his windowsill – whistling out the answer in a surprisingly tuneful Morse code.

Too bad Steve had failed his Morse Code Badge in Boy Scouts…

 

Yours in storytelling,

Steve Vernon

NEW YA NOVEL – FINALLY RELEASED!

Attention, Attention.

…loudly clearing throat…

 

I am very pleased and proud to announce the release of my very first YA novel FIGHTING WORDS.

The e-book was released today as part of the KOBO WRITING LIFE beta test program.

Have a look at the cover!

So what is it about?

FIGHTING WORDS

Max was just a thirteen year old nobody – until the fight.

He didn’t plan the fight. He didn’t even want the fight to happen – but after he stood up to Rodney freaking Hammerhead to protect his sort-of-best-friend Tommy – Max decided that fighting could be a good thing.

People looked up to fighters.

Girls liked fighters.

Now Tommy and Max have decided to create their own personal fight club.

It seemed like a good idea – but what can I tell you?

Sometimes stupid just gets in your eyes.

Please download a copy today.

http://www.kobobooks.com/ebook/FIGHTING-WORDS/book-UK8eJY4woUaS5728pKnQ-w/page1.html?s=2KMFhr-f6kqR-3u7tgmGWg&r=3

yours in storytelling,

Steve Vernon

Still freebird…

Still free today.

SUDDEN DEATH OVERTIME is now sitting in the #18 spot in the TOP 100 FREE IN KINDLE list. I’m hoping for a fresh new wave of downloading today to push it into the #1 position.

Let’s be honest, folks. I have no idea what being #1 will bring me.

Perhaps a huge upsurge of sales of my other Kindle e-books.

Perhaps a spontaneous revelation as to the meaning of the universe.

Maybe American Idol’s Randy Jackson will turn up at the front door and tell me  “Not too bad, dawg, a little pitchy in spots but your really brought it. You’re going to Hollywood!”

I’ll let you all know when I find out for certain…

SUDDEN DEATH OVERTIME – available on Amazon.com

http://www.amazon.com/Sudden-Death-Overtime-ebook/dp/B0077ZR2TS/ref=cm_cr_pr_pb_t

Available on Amazon.co.uk

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Sudden-Death-Overtime-ebook/dp/B0077ZR2TS

Today and tomorrow only.

 

yours in storytelling,

Steve Vernon

The final freebie…

My e-book, SUDDEN DEATH OVERTIME, is available in Kindle format for FREE today, tomorrow and Thursday.

 

Amazon.com

http://www.amazon.com/Sudden-Death-Overtime-ebook/dp/B0077ZR2TS

 

or

 

Amazon.co.uk

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Sudden-Death-Overtime-ebook/dp/B0077ZR2TS

 

This will be the last chance to get Sudden Death Overtime for free. Following this giveaway I’ll be pulling the e-book from the KDP Select Program in order to release it in Kobo and other formats.

I’ve been working on two YA novels that will be released as part of a new Kobo program in the next month or so. More details to follow.

yours in storytelling,

Steve Vernon

The Indie Author’s Guide to the Universe – a book review

Okay, so as a writer of regional folklore and history I have learned the importance of research. If I’m attempting to write down a ghost story from any particular region the first thing I want to do is to make sure I’ve got all of the facts. Facts are ESPECIALLY important when you’re dealing with ghost stories – because if you don’t have a sturdy framework of facts to build on – where else are you going to graft and dangle all of that lovely ephemeral ghostly booga-booga? I try and make sure that I have at least two or three SOLID sources for a ghost story before I attempt to record it in one of my collections.

I approached YA writing the same way. Before I wrote my children’s picture book Maritime Monsters or my Middle Grade reader SINKING DEEPER I sat down and read about a year’s worth of children’s novels trying to get a handle on how other writers did their magic.

So now, as I begin to find my way in this brave new digital world of e-books and audio-books and hyper-plasmic-neutron books – (all right, so I made the last one up from an episode of Star Trek) – I decided to do some research.

So let me tell you about this nifty little e-book on writing e-books that I picked up a few weeks ago.

Let’s start with the cover, shall we?

 

Now what would Jeff Bennington tell you about the cover?

For starters he’d tell you that the use of complementary colors and the large bold font used on the title and author’s name were definitely pluses. He’d tell you that this particular cover looks great in a thumbnail – which is how your prospective reader is most likely going to initially view it before he makes his decision to buy your e-book. I expect he would be especially pleased with the way that this book cover boldly says just exactly what it is about. There is no great cosmic mystery as to what this e-book is about. This e-book is a guide to the universe for indie authors.

Speaking for myself I would say that both the cover and the title offered a sly wink and a tip of the hat towards Douglas Adams “Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” as well as every “Complete Idiot’s Guide” and “…for Dummies” manual that has ever been written. It offers you the world and it actually delivers.

Jeff Bennington delivers.

That’s the kind of practical, bare bones information this guy will give you. He takes you through the steps of building an e-book. He tells you how he does it. He tells you what you want to avoid. He tells you how some other folks have done it.

The first section gives you information on why anyone might actually consider following the road of the indie-published author with clear-cut examples and crunchy potato-chip sized chapters on how he and other people have gone about getting into the business of indie e-book writing. In section 2 he gives you a crash course on how to be a better writer.  In section 3 he power-slams you into the deep end of the e-publishing business – and then, while simultaneously holding your head beneath said waters, baptising you in the one true indie writing way and simultaneously yodelling “My Country ‘Tis Of Thee” he hauls you into Section 4 – a quick wrap-up on how to make your indie career happen.

Will this e-book guarantee your ultimate success as an indie author? Will it assure you an easy road to millions of dollars in overnight royalties?

Of course not. No book does. But what it does do is to give you a quick, entertaining, educational and FUN course in what you ought to know about becoming an indie author while clearly pointing out about a half a billion mistakes that you ought to avoid doing in the first place. This is – in all honesty – one of the first e-book indie-writing manuals that I have read, virtual cover to virtual cover – but I learned an awful lot from it and furthermore there is a lot of practical reference material that I know I will refer back to – time and again.

So pick this up if you want to learn how to become an indie author – or, more importantly, how to become a more succesful indie author. Just click on the cover illustration for a quick link to Amazon to download it in Kindle format!

Yours in storytelling,

Steve Vernon

 

SUDDEN DEATH OVERTIME – a perfect combination of hockey, vampires and canlit!

HAPPY LEAP YEAR! – My novellette of hockey and vampires and canlit, SUDDEN DEATH OVERTIME, is available today on Amazon for free. You will not need to sell your blood to pick this one up. You will not need to sell your soul, either. Heck, you won’t even need to sell your feet.

 It’s free, I tell you. Free, free, free.

And you can order it here in Kindle format. http://www.amazon.com/Sudden-Death-Overtime-ebook/dp/B0077ZR2TS/ref=sr_1_7?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1330511450&sr=1-7

Don’t have a Kindle e-reader device? No problem. You can read it directly on your very own home computer simply by downloading the KINDLE FOR PC APP. http://www.amazon.com/gp/feature.html/ref=kcp_pc_mkt_lnd?docId=1000426311

But only if you take advantage of this time limited offer.

Do not sit upon your hands and wonder to yourself, “Just how does this lunatic of a Nova Scotian manage to combine the simple hockey madness of Paul Newman’s SLAPSHOT with the nonstop bloodbath wonder of Steve Niles 30 DAYS OF NIGHT?”

Do not even stop and wonder how I could manage to blend the didn’t-I-eat-that-an-hour-ago resonnance of Bill Murray’s GROUNDHOG DAY with the thud-blundering-fist-antics of Michael Dowse’s GOON in my bonus time-travel-hockey tale, “Time Out”.

Don’t believe what I am telling you?

Then go and see what the folks at FAMOUS MONSTERS OF FILMLAND are saying about SUDDEN DEATH OVERTIME.  http://famousmonstersoffilmland.com/2012/02/10/book-review-sudden-death-overtime-by-steve-vernon/

Go and see what THE GINGER NUTS OF HORROR said. http://thegingernutcase.blogspot.com/2012/02/sudden-death-overtime-by-steve-vernon.html

(and, as my sainted Aunt Winifred Mctavish used to say “Well, if you can’t trust ginger nuts, than nothing in this life is safe, is it?”

The digital incarnations of this novellette e-book are waiting upon the virtual bench for you to hit that BUY NOW WITH 1-CLICK button and free their unholy presence upon the cybernetic word.

Free them. Free them now.

Do it now, I beg you, before it is too late.

Let’s play some mother-pucking hockey!!!

yours in storytelling,

Steve Vernon