Let me make a confession.
I am LOUSY at parties.
Heck, I can’t even spell the word shmuuu…shmoos…schmoozing.
(thank you Spell Check)
In fact – I am the kind of fellow who will sort of slide in through the back door and drift on over to the snacking and munching table and sort of just stand there next to the pizza dip for the rest of the evening.
In fact – I am a bit of a social misfit.
I do all right in front of a crowd. You throw me up in front of a microphone or a classroom or a campfire – and ask me to a tell a story – and I rise to the occasion – bring the skills of a raconteur and a stand-up comedian and a back-of-the-barn philosopher to ANY event that I perform at.
But when it comes to simple social interaction I am somewhat handicapped.
So when I first stepped into the book writing arena I was a little bit baffled on how to successfully promote my writing.
Let me tell you how I first began my promotional campaign for FLASH VIRUS – my sci/fi serial/series.
I started by writing BUY MY BOOK on a hundred diffeent men’s room walls – in a hundred different shades of marker – along with leaving my phone number.
So how’d that work out for me?
Not to well.
I did receive an awful lot of interesting phone calls and enough lurid and sticky phone talk to paint about three hundred and sixty-two more shades of grey – but other than that I did not sell so much as a single copy.
So I decided to diversify.
I tried leaving similar messages on the walls of a hundred different women’s rooms – which brought me to my first arrest.
I tried explaining to the security guards that I was only marketing in that ladies washroom – and then I likewise tried to explain to those two policemen that the security guards telephoned – and then I tried explaining to the judge that those two policemen brought me before – and then I tried explaining it to Bubba – my brand new cell mate.
Well Bubba, he told me he understood completely.
He said that he wasn’t guilty, either.
So then I tried social networking.
I got myself my very own Facebook page - but Mark Zuckerberg told me that my face looked funny.
So then I got myself my very own Twitter account - only the birds told me that old farts should NEVER try to rap or tweet and asked me to kindly get out of their tree.
So then I tried spamming on message board forums - but that spam looked so darn good that I just had to get out the fry pan and slice me off a few slices and…
(this blog interview has been interrupted while Steve Vernon puts on his pants and goes down into the kitchen to hunt for Spam)
So then I tried to buy myself some five star reviews - but then there was that whole money thing that kept getting in my way – so instead I decided to try writing some sock puppet reviews - only all of my socks were in the wash – so I tried ventriloquist dummy reviews – but then the dummy told me that my lips were mostly moving – so I give it all up as a bad idea.
So then I had one more brainstorm.
I filled out five hundred empty bottles with five hundred notes that read BUY MY BOOK – and then I corked each of those bottles up and I threw them into the Atlantic Ocean.
Which is why two DIFFERENT policemen brought me back to the very same judge who gave me another ninety day jail sentence for desecrating the environment – which is a whole lot worse than littering – which brought me to Bubba – who bought my book.
And liked it.
So you see – that is the thing about e-book marketing. You REALLY have no idea as to who your promotion will touch and how they will react and WHEN they will eventually get around to buying your e-book.
yours in storytelling,
And – in the interest of full disclosure – a VERY different version of this blog entry was originally posted at the Readers Guide to E-Publishing
And – lastly – if any of you out there are into GoodReads you might want to follow me there.